Relationships
Nov 27
I have no idea where this even came from, because Joe is already married, but for some reason we started talking about long distance relationships tonight on IM. This isn’t really a Duanerism, but whatever — reading it after the fact it basically represents how I fell about these kind of things:
My last relationship started as a long distance one, and I spent a good portion of most weekends traveling. To be honest, it’s probably not something I would do again unless I met someone truly extraordinary.
That being said, I would easily give up my job for someone I honestly cared about, and would happily pump gas the rest of my life if it meant I could wrap my arms around someone I truly loved every night.
And while going through my archives tonight I found this entry I did about six months ago that I think is one of the best things I’ve ever written, so you should definitely check it out and chime in – Diamonds are not forever.
Interesting that you posted this. Well. to me anyway. I have recently started a long distance relationship with someone (a month this Friday), and so far things are going splendidly. The only issue at the moment….obviously the distance. The discussion as it stands now is me going to him. He has entertained the thought of coming to me. but as he has a 3 1/2 year old daughter he loves very much, I squashed that idea all together. See, I am in So. California. he is in Hamilton, Ontario….very far apart right now. Made him speechless when I told him I had no issue coming to him.lol Point is, I agree that if that someone means that much, then there should be no hesitation to do what would bring you together…
LDRs are a tricky thing. It’s also a huge risk in picking up and going to where ever that special person is. I’m not trying to knock that idea, but I guess I’m just a bit of a cynic about such things. I guess it’s a case of “been there, done that, now where’s my t-shirt?”.
I did like your article about the big, expensive engagement ring and lavish wedding (hints about such things 4 months into a relationship? ). I’d rather be more realistic when it comes to stuff like this. Two-months salary can be an awful lot of money for some people. :-/
I was just in bed when my computer chirped to let me know about your entry.. I dunno, I’m fairly brave.. I mean, what’s love worth at the end of the day really? That’s the type of thing when you’re 60 and alone you look back on and wished you had taken a chance.
Ok, luvin’ this one but I must say Duane, if she isn’t ecstatic about a ring you could get from a gumball machine then maybe she’s not the one. The ring has always been a symbol for love but it shouldn’t matter the cost because that is the least important thing. The love you have for that person is the only thing that matters. Have we been brainwashed into thinking that the more money spent, the more that person love’s you? I could have nothing but the love for someone and there is nothing more rewarding than that. Being with someone so far away is teaching me the old saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Let it take you where it will because life is way too short for anything but happiness.
Don’t get me wrong. I did take my chances way back when. This resulted in my traveling through a couple of cities before I ended up in Montreal. Maybe I’m just getting old and don’t feel that it’s really worth taking such risks any more.
At the end of the day, when I look back, I don’t think I would have changed anything. I just think I can’t do it again now.
I agree completely with you on this one.
And I liked your last post about wedding rings. Some girls are just nutcases about that kinda shit and unless you are too then f that.
i couldn’t read all of that i was getting too incensed with rage. basically elaborate weddings and rings take palce to cover up a lfawed relationship, people who make the wedding jump asap have something to prove, sad. i would like to have a drive-thru wedding in vegas and not even get out of the car and have pals in their own cars in the parking lot and we all go on a 24 hour bender, or do it on a beach, save the money, seriously.
oh and thumbs down on LD relationships, been there, not doing it again ever.
tried it, it was too tough… then we both traveled to visit… then months later he visited… then months later i visited… we both just knew. sometimes you just gotta shit or get off the pot eh?
so he quit his job and moved to vancouver. leaving not only the job but friends, family and his country behind. not a day goes by that i dont think about how lucky we are to have found each other and how we both took risks no matter how scary they were because we knew this was something that was worth far more than any of that.
PS – I also gave up Surrey for him. It was tough :-P
I have to say, re: the wedding ring entry…obviously you’re better off… I’ve never been huge on all that hoopla, but didn’t realize how much it really goes against my whole belief system until one of my good guy friends went through the same thing… heavy student debt load, and his girlfriend wouldn’t get engaged until he saved up for the specific ring she wanted. I mean, they’re “happily married” now and good on them, but it just goes totally against what I think love should be, and how relationships/marriages should work.
And as far as the whole LDR thing goes–well…I don’t think a lot of people would be that daring…it’s interesting that after all you’d still take those kinds of chances on a gal. I guess R & J are proof that sort of thing can work out tho… hmmm…
Don’t get me wrong, this is all hypothetical. But I’d like to believe if I met someone special that they would be worth moving for. I wouldn’t do anything that daring unless the girl was really awesome and there was a good shot at it turning into something more.
Been there with the long distance relationships and I don’t know…I used to think it was perfect for me because I love my space and my independence so much. Now, I’m not so sure. It can definitely be tough at times…I suppose it also depends how long the distance goes on for and how often you get to see one another. I definitely think that it can work. Would I do it again? I’d rather not.
As for the diamond rings and big weddings…those things couldn’t be less important to me. I have always said that I would wear a twist tie on my finger if it came from the right guy. Being in the presence of the people I love and the man who I am choosing to spend the rest of my life with, and who is choosing me on the day that we make a life long commitment to one another, is so much more important to me that some big extravagent fairytale wedding that costs a fortune.
Okay well since I have just started a long distance relationship for the first time, you guys have me scared,ha ha. Is there anything that is actually good about it? Clearly there must be some thing? No fighting over the sheets, and the toilet seat stays down, and clearly that’s half the battle,lol. I think there are good and bad issues of course but Ishould you limit the love due to distance? Please tell me there is good that can come from long distance relationships?
I just find that they are extremely difficult, and simple things that could probably be solved with a hug were you physically together turn into huge battles for no real reason. But I mean if you care for the person and they live somewhere else, then a long distance relationship is basically as good as it can get for a while. But I personally wouldn’t be content doing one for very long now.
I think I’d actually be less likely to move for or even start anything long distance. Not because of all the obvious reasons, but because when I went through the breakup this spring, I realized how much of my independence I’d lost, and now realize that was really unhealthy and not something I would want to repeat (not by any fault of who I was with–just not being aware of it/having my shit together…). My friends, work, and rest of my life here are so important to me, and it took a lot of work to get re-established after that. Not something I would want to go through again, and for me personally, not something I think would lead to having a healthy and potentially lasting relationship…
But then again, hypothetical…if I really thought I’d met the person I was going to stick with till the end of time, who knows…
I know exactly how that feels. One can only go so long without the feeling of drifting apart. The connection just seems to be so minimal….sigh. I agree about the whole hugging thing too. A hug can just about cure anything. So hard to communicate just by casual visits, phone and internet. As I am already learning. I find the communication even through the computer to be very difficult and we have found ourselves in a few misunderstood conversations.
Unfortunately many LD’s do not work out but I have faith and if it is meant to be then the love you feel for that person will bring you together eventually right? Well that’s what I keep telling myself.
Most women would say ‘yeah, if it’s the right guy, screw the ring’ but most women also wouldn’t say NO to a gigantic ring should it be offered. And part of them will secretly love that their ring is huge. Maybe not even secretly!
My spidey sense tingles when I hear women start saying how they don’t care about rings and weddings! Sure, on a priority scale, the DUDE is the most important part. But at the same time… These ladies have been drilled with fantasies all their life.
They want it. I don’t blame them. And as men, we are complicit because we WANT to give it to them. It’s all one big cultural cycle. It’s the peacock feathers. It’s puffing out your chest to impress the chick. It’s stylish cars on the Granville Strip.
We do it because we like to impress girls, and even more so, the women we love. Having and englightened perspective is great. But sharing that enlightened perspective with her, her family, your family… Good luck.
Or start the eloping process.
Knowing what I know about Diamonds doesn’t make me want one anyway. Some girls say they don’t want a huge rock but there are some of us who really don’t. Not all of us have that bred into us, lol. It is what it is , nothing more than a material item and that is boring these days. ha ha
Hey Chad, I’d say no to a giant ring. If my bf can afford a giant ring he can afford a new laptop for me instead.
Ditto, Anne! I don’t even think I’d be comfortable wearing a diamond ring…I kind of think they’re a waste of money that could be better used elsewhere–nevermind the environmental/ethical implications of even the most ‘ethical’ ones… maybe I’m overly practical minded, but if a guy WANTS to buy a big ol diamond ring and throw a huge fairytale wedding, then he’s not the guy for me!
Gee for all it’s worth, fly away to somewhere fun with the important people in your life. It’s all about the memories and good times for me. It is the simple things I long for, not some silly piece of crap that will indent your finger for the rest of your life. One more thing I don’t have to worry about losing down the drain,LOL
Sorry guys, I will stop now….maybe. I could go on forever with this stuff. Don’t get me started. ha ha
“These ladies have been drilled with fantasies all their life.” hehe… drilled fantasies. Our wedding was pretty non-traditional. I wore blue sparkly shoes and when it was over we walked out to The Postal Service. We spent the MOST money on the catering (food + cake) and it was totally worth it. I scooped up the rings on my lunch break one day, they were the least of my worries!
When I was single and had $$, I bought my own diamond ring so I would get over the whole “waiting for a man to give me a ring thing”. The right man was where I wanted to put my focus and not on a piece of jewelry.
When my husband and I got married we eloped to avoid the going into debt. We’ve been happily married for almost thirteen years now and I wouldn’t trade him for the fairytale wedding or the bling.
P.S. For her mother’s sake, have some sort of a wedding; I think my mom is still mad at me for not having a small wedding.
If I had my way, I’d just go on vacation somewhere and invite all my friends and family. That way, only the people you really want there (and subsequently, the people who really want to be there) end up going. Otherwise you end up paying a pile of money for people that you rarely talk to and don’t even really know you.
At one point, the ex and I discussed if were to get married. We both agreed that a JP wedding would be enough. he had been married before. I was not that big on having to plan some huge extravagant thing. Needless to say this never came to fruition. But if it ever does happen, I’d be happy just to have a cozy gathering with those I love and care about.
And when I posted that last night, I thought I would be the only one to say something for some reason…lol I guess I shoulda clarified a couple of things…
1) I am probably one of the most un-trusting people alive…been screwed over by too many people in this lifetime to be otherwise…
2) I am also not one for walking into anything blindly…
That being said…
I have never been happier.
He is someone who I can have a real conversation with, someone who actually listens to what I say, who makes me smile all the time (also a rarity; believe me, EVERYONE has noticed), and who I know I make very happy. Hell, he got in trouble with his mum this last weekend for not staying in close enough contact with me.lol She already likes me though we haven’t met yet, because she says her son has never been this happy. So distance is an issue now, but won’t be for long.
The way I think about it is, you only get one go around. Don’t waste it. If it takes moving somewhere, giving up something that in the grand scheme of things isn’t that important anyway, do it. If your family and friends see you are truly happy with that someone special, they will not mind so much your moving away. It is all about that one person that is the last thing you ever want to see before you close your eyes for the last time. For me anyway…
Your diamonds entry made me smile. My mom is a seamstress who makes wedding dresses and does wedding dress alterations — as well as flowers and catering and wedding cakes. Your all purpose wedding queen, really. She has made eight of my friends’ wedding dresses thus far, as well as countless other chores.
It IS an industry that eats the brains of women who choose to open their minds and wallets to it, and I’ve seen tons of girls come through her home with wackass ideas of what they wanted, what they were entitled to, and what should be possible for them. She’s a straight shooter and takes no BS, though, so she does well.
But all those brides twirling in my living groom growing up taught me one thing: there is no amount of money, no dress, no venue, no moment at your wedding that will ever be enough to make up for a lack of love or maturity in a marriage. You can be the most over the top bride and have the most under the wheels relationship… there is no correlation.
I can honestly say I’ve had enough of the fantasy after all these years. The reality of a great relationship to me is so much more beautiful than any party I could throw.
Long distance relationships are terrible. The person would have to be pretty special for me to do something like that again. The longest I think I’ve gone without seeing my significant other was 3 and half months. After that was over I told myself never again. That being said, the distance was not what split us up in the end. We were together for 2 years or so after that. Anyway, the person would have to be special.