Today was a long, dreary day. I didn’t get home until around 9:30pm, and barely had enough strength to pound back some left-over lasagna. I was really looking forward to sitting back and watching heroes tonight, but mininova was down and my internet connection turned out to be pretty flaky. Today was officially full of fail.
I’ve not been feeling myself lately, and I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s because I’m still battling an infection, maybe it’s lots of things, but I find myself pretty bummed out the last few days. One thing that’s been bothering me lately is that I keep getting hammered from people about stupid things. I’ve gone out of my way a few times within the last few weeks to help people, only to eventually be flooded with emails asking why I didn’t do more, or why I focused on one person and not the other. It’s pretty defeating spending hours of your free time helping someone out, only to be made to feel bad for it. I really don’t know why it happens.
Photo By LastExit on Flickr
To add to that, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. Mostly during that brief time when the lights are out and the blankets are still cold, when you gaze up blindly at the ceiling and thoughts just sort of randomly enter on their own. I’ve thought about my injury a bit, my recovery, the last few months, but mostly, for some reason, I’ve found myself thinking alot about my last real relationship, even though it was quite a long time ago now.
And the truth is, at some level, I find that I miss it all. I don’t really miss her, at least not in that capacity anymore, but I miss how it once felt. I miss the excitement, the butterflies, drinking hot chocolate and wrapping presents at 2am. I miss waking up to the smell of coffee, candlelight, or sleeping the day away on a rainy sunday. I miss hugs, or looking down and realizing that someone is holding my hand.
And while I have lots of friends, sometimes I feel like I’m meant to play a piece part with each person, even though inside I’m yearning to do the whole play – like somehow the best parts of me, the parts that you only share with someone close, are just sort of slowly wilting away in the fading light.
Maybe it’ll pass with the weather. Maybe the rain and the snow and the darkness will somehow take it all away over the next few weeks, right back to where it came from. I should be so lucky.
Duane this is such a sad posting. Every once in a while our mind has to challenge our thoughts. It is teaching you many things and you are benefitting from it as much as you only see the darker side right now. This is human nature and it makes you really appreciate the beautiful times you had shared and will continue to share with that special someone when the time is right. I hope that you can see the positive in all of this. Can you imagine going through this life having never had the feelings you had for someone. There are people out there that have never experienced these times you speak of. The holding hands, the very feeling of waking up and having that someone beside you,watching you sleep. Those butterflies will make their way back to you and the past will always be in your thoughts but please know that you will find what you are looking for again and it’s going to be a new memory for you. Look forward to those times and they will surely come looking for you. As far as your thoughts of the incident goes, take it in and try to move on. I know I have no idea about the effect it has had on you but you simply can’t let it eat away at you anymore. The rainy days and winter are the worst time of my life but remember that you have the ability to change the way you look at it. Turn it into a positive and I know you will come around. I know you have no idea who this girl is on the other end but please just know that I mean well and wish for you all the happiness,hot chocolate,hand holding,and butterflies you can handle. Life is too short for anything but happiness. All the best Duane and a big hug because that cures just about anything:)
I think sometimes loneliness is good, because it reminds us that we need other people. You seem to have a lot of people in your life that love you and love spending time with you, and though that one last piece is missing, I think it’s good that your heart is big enough to recognize a gap. I think it’s going to be filled before too long.
don’t take shit from anyone.
Well said Raymi. Now why couldn’t I have said something so simple. ha ha
I understand exactly what you are talking about Duane. As I posted on your first entry on Matt’s site, my car accident just happened to coincide with the end of my last relationship. That was 8 years ago this month. I know it can be hard sometimes, but I am one of those weirdo “things happen for a reason” kind of people. You will have all that again, and trust me, it will be totally worth it. So smile. Any one that can dance like that to Britany has got to be one hell of a guy!! 🙂
wow…if only more men could be in touch with their feelings and express them like you. Pretty cool that you can even get those thoughts out of your mind, make sense of them and write them down for all to read. Hang in there, time like this…life can only get better from here!
Cheers, Krista
Raymi’s right.
Just be yourself. Anything else just wouldn’t feel right, would it?
Yeah, I know how you feel. I go through those times when I think a lot about the past. But I figured that there’s not much that could be done about it other than to try to move forward. Do your own thing. If something good happens along, great! As long as you’ve got some great friends around you, you’ll be fine. I’ve been filling my time with all sorts of stuff. I’m not letting my status stop me from traveling and doing other things. Just go with the flow…
Take care!
[…] I actually browsed through my archives tonight and found a few old entries I rather liked. I’m way happier now (apparently), but I remember writing them, and I remember feeling that way. Here are a few I like. […]